Inspiration

Today is one of those days when I look for inspiration to bust me out of a blue funk.  One of the songs I come back to time and time again when I feel like life has grabbed me by the lapels and repeatedly kicked me in the jimmy is “Bring on the Rain” by Joe Dee Messina.  Most motivating line:  “I might be barely breathing - but I’m not dead.”  Hooyah.

Another day has almost come and gone
Cant imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war (cause)

Tomorrow;s another day
And Im thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

Its almost like the hard times circle round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but Im not dead

Tomorrow’s another day
And Im thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

Im not gonna let it get me down
Im not gonna cry
And Im not gonna lose any sleep tonight

Tomorrow’s another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain

Sine Metu.

My Dilema, My Blessing

“You’ll want someone bright…but not too bright.”  This was the way my mentor described the drivers I’d need to utilize for my Restaurant Delivery Service (RDS).

He was absolutely right.  I currently have two drivers working with me taking deliveries. 

One is “Guy” which you may remember from “Guy and the Bandito” blog.  He’s 25 years old, lives at home, and really has zero plans for his immediate or long-term future.  Sometimes he calls in late and sounds like he’s stoned (says he was “napping”), but by golly he drives a hybrid that gets 55 mpg, and I’m going to keep him on as long as I can.

My other driver is about 40 years old and is a teacher.  He also gives tennis lessons and works two days a week for some extra spending money.  Honestly, he’s doing it to give more stuff/opportunities to his kids, so I can’t fault him for that.  Dude drives like a maniac and hangs up on me before I’m done talking on the phone.  Speaking of phones, when he calls in to say he’s completed an order, he’s always got talk-radio blaring in the background so it’s impossible to hear him.  Great guy though.

These are my boys - I love them dearly.

Sine Metu.

Why I will never be a superhero

I’ve finally reached a point in my life when I know myself enough to boldly say that I would never be trusted by the cosmic forces that be with super powers.  I am so lazy that I would not even use them for “personal gain”, but for things so trivial and stupid I’m (almost) embarassed to mention them here.  For example, if I had the powers of:

Spider-man:  I would web the ceiling in the morning to help heft my fat-butt out of bed, then use more web to snatch the remote control so I wouldn’t have to get out of my recliner.

Batman:  Dude, Bruce Wayne is RICH!  Why would I do ANYTHING?

The Flash:  Oh, who am I kidding?  I’d never even use super-speed because it involves running.  The man can eat fast though, so I might use that.

The Incredible Hulk:  Smashing things would be about the only super-power I’d use, but it would mostly be brought on by long lines at the DMV or the supermarket.  Hardly hero-worthy.  Besides, I don’t really care enough to get that angry.

A Jedi:  While not exactly a superhero, the Jedi have powers that rival many of Marvel’s best.  I’d use the ol’ mind trick to get out of tickets and convince my wife I need another beer.  Again, the Force is how I get the remote control from the TV to my recliner.

Superman:  Wow, this dude has it all.  I’d like to say I’d super-speed lawn mowing, but the mower couldn’t keep up, so that’s out.  What would I use super-strength for?  Changing the oil in my car?  I guess it would come in handy when Mrs. Mediogre brings me a pickle jar.  Lighting cigars and campfires with heat vision might be kind of cool.

Actually, now that I think about it, I’d use super-speed to deliver restaurant meals for my RDS, both increasing efficiency and saving gas money!!  Speaking of super-speed, how is it when Clark Kent on Smallville runs super-fast over long distances his shoes don’t fall apart?  I need some of those.

Sine Metu

Arson Awareness Week?

As I was driving home today I noticed the sign in front of our firestation read “Arson Awareness Week”, and thought, “Hmm…that’s odd.”  At first I just thought it odd because I’m used to seeing stuff like “Breast Cancer Awareness Week” or “Heart Attack Awareness”, etc, and the lack of things like; “Mugging Awareness Week” or “Armed Robbery Awareness Week”. 

Maybe the latter two do exist - I don’t know and don’t care enough to Google them.  But what I DID Google was more about this Arson Week, and to my surprise, I found an amusing website.  I don’t think it was meant to amuse me too much, but by golly it did.  It’s a government site, although to be honest I’m not exactly sure who is promoting it.  All of the U.S. Fire Administration, FEMA, and the Department of Homeland Security have their stamp on this tax-pig.  Your tax dollars at work.

Apparently they believe that lighters shaped like toys are a huge problem in this country.  Enough so they’d like to dedicate a whole week to make people ”aware”.  Why is this funny, Mediogre?, you may ask.  Well, kids burning themselves is not funny, but this is:

“Children are not the only ones fooled by novelty lighters…In 2006, a South Carolina woman shot herself in the hand while attempting to light a cigarette with what she thought was a pistol-shaped novelty lighter.”

Sooo, this idiot woman is one of the poster kids for Arson Awareness Week?  C’mon now.  She’s probably a front-runner for “Don’t cut your hand off with a meat cleaver Awareness Week” as well.  Plus, THIS IS NOT ARSON.

The site also mentions children setting fire to various things.  Favorite example: “In Maryland, playground equipment was set on fire by three 5-year-old girls using a gun-shaped lighter.”  ARE YOU SERIOUS?  What the hell was the playground equipment made of?  I’ve spent an HOUR trying to start a campfire that would burn using newspaper, lighter fluid, kindling and finally the wood to burn.  How long did the three girls hold that lighter to the equipment, and do you really think it mattered what the lighter was shaped like? 

To Parents:  Pay attention to what your kids are playing with.  And if you have lighters in the house, 1. Make sure it’s not shaped like a rubber ducky and 2. PUT IT AWAY WHERE KIDS CAN’T GET IT!!

I’m sick of wasting tax dollars to regulate stupidity and bad parenting.  Plus, kids burning themselves on accident and a woman shooting herself lighting a cigarette IS NOT ARSON.  It’s like having “Terrorism Awareness Week” and focusing on people that frighten themselves watching scary movies.

P.S.  Here’s the website: http://www.usfa.dhs.gov/fireservice/subjects/arson/arson_awareness.shtm

Sine Metu.

Memorable Quotes…

…from books I’ve never written.

Soon-to-be-horribly-murdered redneck:  “Well son, if you want something done right, whip her ’til she gets it.” 

(Kind of) Superhero:  “What am I, Superman?  F*#^ you and the meteor shower you rode in on.”

Angry friend:  “Well, I dunno, Bob.  It seems to me we’d have noticed a third arm.”

Sine Metu

 

Landlocked

Landlocked; feet grounded
firmly in the sandy shore for more
years than he cared to remember.
The Wind called to him.

“Turn your face toward me.
Let me show you who you are.”
He eased his old bones onto Wind’s boat
leaving his small shoes behind.

“Why do you call to me after all these years?”
he asked of the wind.
But the wind did not answer him;
and somehow he already knew.

The Wind!  The Glorious Wind!
It had always been his friend.
Now he was part of it -
and it was who he was.

Sails open wide, the Wind
blew to the horizon and
disappeared into Future’s Mist
carrying a smile as wide as the dawn.

The Books I’ve Never Written

I’ve always wanted to write a novel.  I’ve started a few, but after about 10 pages in I lose either interest or direction and it falls to the wayside.  A few I’ve started:

1.  An angel known as a “Champion” has fallen into depression and after a century is challenged by his demon nemesis.  A helpful sidekick shows the “Champion” the error of his ways and gets him back in the evil ass-kicking game.

2.  A guy is camping when he thinks he sees Bigfoot off in the distance.  Unlike most of these sightings where they just take video, etc., this guy heads out into the wilderness to track the animal and prove once and for all it is real.  Problem:  It IS real, and it’s smart enough to know it’s being tracked.  It turns into a woodland “predator becomes prey” fight for survival.

3.  A man leading a life of “quiet desperation” has flashbacks to his childhood.  As his adult life becomes more and more depressing, his memories lead up to a time when he pushed through all fear and stood up to the school bully.  He realizes he can do whatever he wants and it is only himself holding him back.

Sine Metu

Babble

ON STUPID PEOPLE:  I was driving through a parking lot today.  A man was walking through the parking lot, not in a crosswalk, but out in the parking lot proper, and finally came to a stop with his back to me.  He was in the middle of the throughway, and after a few seconds I tapped my horn twice to let him know I was stopped there, (because I don’t think he saw me), and waiting for him to move.  He tossed his hands up into a “What’s your problem?” kinda way and finally got out of the way.  He had earbuds in, and kind of looked dazed, so as I passed, I stopped, rolled the window down and asked “Are you OK?”…to which he promptly replied, “FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!”.  Guess I should have apologized for driving in the driving lane…

ON CHRIS FARLEY:  Proved that cocaine and fat don’t mix.  Serioulsy… he was hilarious and I miss his comedy.  Most agile fat guy I’ve ever laid eyes on.

ON WINNING THE LOTTO:  My wife and I started a list of all the family members we’d like to help, only to come to the conclusion they’d piss away the money faster than we could give it to them.  We then pondered how long we could keep winning millions a secret…

ON TELEVISION:  I’ve always had a soft spot for superhero shows, and Smallville is actually starting to get a little grown up.  Clark still whines too damn much, I miss John Schneider, but the real tragedy is not letting Michael Rosenbaum really bloom - he’s been a great Lex Luthor.

ON CURRENT EVENTS:  I honestly haven’t watched or read the news in a year.  I don’t miss it, and although there’s a part of me that says I should pay attention, it’s a very, very small part and I don’t listen to it very much.

ON SUPERHERO POWERS:  If I could have any superhero’s powers, I think I would choose the powers of a Jedi.  With the “Force”, you can move stuff, control minds, and speak like you always know what the hell you’re talking about.

Sine Metu

(Not) Soliciting

So, I’ve got a plan to not solicit businesses to let them know about my Restaurant Delivery Service (RDS).  I’m still trying to decide if it counts as soliciting, since it’ll be my rationale to the police if I’m asked to leave a building with chrome bracelets.

The plan is simple.  I wish to offer a bribe gift to an office and politely introduce myself and my RDS.  This gift will be two stalks of lucky bamboo, placed gently in a bed of small pebbles which is then tucked inside a ceramic coffee mug.  Said coffee mug just happens to have my logo, phone number and web address on it. 

Along with this thoughtful gift is a card which on the front will read “A Gift for You”.  On the inside will be a brief story of the power of lucky bamboo - that it is essential for good health and luck (but only when left where received - on the front counter) and that it brings a positive “chi” into the office.  A red ribbon around the stalks represents “fire” to fire up the positive energy in the room.

Inside the card will also be instructions for caring for lucky bamboo. A very strong plant, it needs only to stay out of direct sunlight, be kept warm and filled with fresh water.  It is very, very easy to care for this plant - in fact, just as easy as ordering lunch from my RDS, which I’ve included instructions on how to order as well as menus with the card.

Should they have any questions about their lucky bamboo plant, or about my RDS, please feel free to call the number listed on the mug.  I’m always available…

Sine Metu

Guy and The Bandito

I’m not sure if it’s a comedy or a tragedy, but what you’re about to read is true.  I’ll let you decide.

I started a business last year, and of course, businesses have to advertise.  I “hired” a guy to go around and place postcards on doors in select neighborhoods.  Said “Guy” is dumb, but not as dumb as the Bandito he brought along to help. 

Side note:  Why is “Guy” dumb?  Well, for many reasons, but one is that he was being paid by the hour for handing out postcards but he brought The Bandito along with him because “he owes me money”.  I explained to “Guy” that he’s getting the same amount regardless if you hand out 50, 100 or 1000, and the only thing bringing him along does is make it so he doesn’t owe you anything.  No clue what I was talking about.

So anyway, “Guy and The Bandito” start handing out these postcards.  About an hour later I get a phone call from one highly pissed-off contractor:

“Yeah, this is [Pissed off Contractor] and I’m out here on Ponderosa Ave putting in a sidewalk.  This jackass handing out your fliers wearing a sombrero and rollerblades just destroyed about 3 sections of wet cement.”

Sure enough, when I arrived, Bandito was wearing a Mexian “rug” pullover and a sombrero.  They were both wearing rollerblades because “it was faster” (again…paid by the hour.), and apparently The Bandito wanted shade from the sun - thus the sombrero.

Guy and The Bandito are now finding other employment.

Sine Metu